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 I’ve found myself being quite jealous/envious of my best friend lately.

She’s got life going so great for her right now, despite her continuing constant struggle of trying to pay her bills. She’s got a great guy that she’s casually dating and seems to be falling for, and before she went on a casual date with three different guys. She’s got a job. She hangs out with people all the time now. She’s lost a lot of weight. She’s so optimistic about everything. She’s just so damn happy.

And although I’m really pretty good right now, when I look at myself in comparison to her, I falter. I’m jobless, perky but with much more cynicism and sarcasm, nearly a hermit, eating like a pig, and trying not to even think about the guy I’m still mourning over. I’m definitely not as optimistic as I used to be. I don’t feel fulfilled anymore.

When I remember how good my life used to be, when I see it in how happy she is, it makes me sad. We talk almost every day now and she’s smiling all the time, constantly talking about her guy especially. And I can’t help but cringe, wishing she would just stop talking about him. It rubs salt in the wound when I hear her talk about it. And I hate feeling that way. I want to just be happy for my best friend without this self-pity nonsense added to it.

At least I have a best friend who doesn’t get pissed off when I tell her these feelings. She just tells me that I need to be happy with what I have. And I wish I could be. I used to be, but that’s when I had what I wanted. But it all slipped from my hands and I guess I’m still crying over it (not literally at the moment).

I want to know that I will emerge from this a better person with better things ahead. I want to see it. But there is pain in my heart that’s keeping me from feeling that way.