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Writer's Block: If I were president ...

What would you do if you were president or prime minister for a day?

I would sing this all day:

He's like Hamlet

 And more than I thought he was.

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I used this website to explain what I'm talking about: www.enotes.com/hamlet/group/discuss/what-hamlets-tragic-flaw-4731 . I felt some of the people who commented easily explained what I was trying to say about Hamlet and my ex.

For those of you who have read Hamlet, or those of you who are more English, drama, even psychology savvy, feel free to voice your opinion.

The guy I love shares Hamlet's tragic flaw: the inability to act, or overthinking to the point of stagnancy.

Now I haven't read Hamlet in two years and I've never reread it so feel free to correct me if I get these events wrong.

Hamlet's father, now a ghost, charges Hamlet with the task to kill Claudius, Hamlet's uncle, who murdered Hamlet's father for the throne. Although Hamlet accepts the task, he hesitates and delays constantly. He overthinks and continuously plans without actually performing the task at hand, such as putting on a play that reenacts the murder of Hamlet's father to get Claudius feeling guilty and bothered. Also, when Hamlet finds Claudius praying, it's a perfect opportunity for him to slay Claudius. But he spares him with, I believe, the excuse that Claudius will go to Heaven if he slays him in prayer. Chicken shit, much? Post #3 on the website says, "Coleridge words: 'His enormous intellectual activity prevents from instant action and the result is delay and irresolution.'"

And what happens to Hamlet? He goes to his grave and takes others with him such as Claudius, Hamlet's love interest Ophelia, Ophelia's dad Polonius, Hamlet's mom I think, and probably many others. As post #2 on the website states, "Simply said, Hamlet’s inability to act and to avenge his father’s death has led him, as well as many others to their bloody graves."

Now how does this tie in with how my ex acts?

He also overthinks. And (also - if Hamlet doesn't either) doesn't realize it or try to fix it. However, I find his flaw to be more tragic because of two reasons:

1) He's indecisive and always changing his goals. He does stuff without working towards a goal or if he does, the goal eventually changes entirely. For example, career-wise, he wanted to start a T-shirt business. I don't know if he still does now but I know now that he's considering joining the Air Force and from what I hear he wants to do interpreting. At least Hamlet knows what he has to do. Hamlet knows he has to kill his uncle. He just procrastinates in doing so. It's okay to not know what you want to do in life but it's not okay when goals just become flavors of the week.

(Random Katy Perry moment: "You change your mind like a girl changes clothes." I don't change clothes that much but hey, the line fits, I think. Now that I think about it, that song describes him well too. Don't know if I'll explore it with a journal entry though, lol. Also thank you to Cory for making me aware that 'lol' looks like a guy raising his arms -_____-')

2) My ex doesn't seem to have much willpower or desire to commit, at least not anymore. I said before that when we talked, I was happy because he said he felt he had to earn me back and that he admitted that he had a problem and that he was going to change for the better, change into the man he was gonna be for the rest of his life. Now I haven't talked to him about this since then but it looks to me like he's lost his will to change and that everything he said was a spur of the moment. Hamlet never directly loses his will to kill Claudius. He falters but he eventually does do it. He knows this change must be made.

What does this mean?

If my ex continues to play, to BE, this more heavily flawed Hamlet, he's not going to get anywhere in his life.

If he doesn't know what he wants, he can't commit to anything. Not to whatever job he has his eye on this time, not to the Air Force, not his friends, not his family, not his activities, and especially not to me.

If he's lost the will to fight for himself, to fight for his friends, to fight for me, he's going to be a bum for the rest of his life. He's going to bury himself. I can't fight for someone who won't even fight for himself, who gives up on me. If he can't fight for himself, he can't fight for me.

I can't waste my time getting strung along. I don't deserve that. Hopefully everything I've typed is simply out of anger and paranoia for him having been avoiding me lately. I need to know what he's feeling. If he's still fighting for me, then great. I'll move on with my own life and to other people indefinitely until he gets his act together or he gives up. If he already has given up, it's time for me to seek greener pastures and perhaps find, as Cory put it, my Scott Pilgrim who will go against the world/my seven evil exes to be with me whether I like it or not.

I didn't make this connection with my ex, or at least thought about it so thoroughly, until quite recently. The day we broke up, I texted my friend, telling her simply that he and I broke up and I didn't know what to say. And she told me "You do what Ophelia's sassy gay friend told her to do." And that's what I'm gonna do. I'll write as many sad poems (or in this case, songs and journal entries) as I need to and move on. I don't plan to throw myself into a river like she did. (Btw if you haven't seen that video, you're missing out - www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnvgq8STMGM )

My Hamlet needs to grow up in every way. If he's given up now, who knows what will happen to us. I'm sure in time we can be friends, even rekindle this relationship, regardless of if he's given up already. But I need to keep my distance from him and move on indefinitely. Because I don't know if he's coming back. If so, I gotta walk on my own again, perhaps for the rest of my life or until I find the one who will walk with me hand-in-hand 'til the day I die.

Anywhere but here

 I've gotten this really scared, extremely depressed feeling lately.

I've been like this since the end of July. And although I feel like it's gotten better, I also feel like it's gotten worse.

I guarantee a bulk of it at least started with post-break-up depression, which I'm still experiencing to some degree, but it's scary how personal, how "me," this depression has gotten.

For the past month, I've felt still, like I'm stuck in time or stuck in a hole I can't get out of, like I'm not going anywhere no matter how hard I try. And people who've known me usually know that I have a very optimistic view on life and have a great faith and trust in fate and the way the world works. But I feel like that philosophy's been eclipsed for the past month. I feel like I've reverted to an upgraded version of my middle school emo self, just depressed in a different way and much more scared and not crying as much and only a dent in my self-esteem, perhaps over more justified reasons. The way I've been viewing life at the moment is one of a dreary nature. I'm born, I go to school for a major bulk of my life, I work 'til the day I die, who the hell knows if I'm gonna end up with anyone or have a family, and then my life ends. I used to look forward to so many things in life but now I cringe thinking about these dark views on life. I'm not about to go commit suicide, but I've been asking myself, "What's the point? What the hell am I doing here? Why do I exist?" Living is hard for me to do right now, it seems. I feel like I'm gonna die in this hole.

I feel like I'm falling apart, like I'm losing grip on everything important to me. And I'm so scared. I keep trying not to cry and I'm obsessed with distracting myself so I don't have to think about it. I know I shouldn't be avoiding the problem and I should be facing it, but I don't even know how to fix it and so I look for an escape. I go hang out with friends as much as possible, not only because I want to and need to but because I don't want to be at home thinking about all this. I really want to talk to people about this, but all the people I really want to talk to I feel are too busy or are fed up with me or are avoiding me at all costs. And so I feel like my worst fear, my fear of abandonment, is coming to life. I know I can't depend on people all the time, but my instincts rarely fail me and I know when I have to talk to someone and this is one of those times. But I feel like there's no one, like I'm just being a burden on everyone. And that feeling of being completely alone in the world is pushing me to the point of hyperventilation. To borrow a line from "Titanic" (cheesy, I know, but it works), I feel like I'm in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs but no one even looks up.

I don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone. I want to be productive, to pour my feelings into something beneficial but my feelings haven't exactly improved. I hate not knowing what to do. And my friends insist I do what they tell me to do and get mad when I protest but in my heart, I don't feel it's right. It's not like life came with an instruction manual and everyone's situations are exactly the same. It's not like no one in the world hasn't felt the way I do right now and just because they overcame it doesn't mean it will work for me.

I just want to get away, get lost for awhile. I feel like being in this town is too toxic for me right now. I really hope it's just a phase, just extreme depression from this greatest letdown, this greatest cheat that's happened to me and hopefully I'll be as "back to normal" as possible when I go back to school, ready to be the strong, independent woman I want to be. I really hope this isn't permanent. I just want a refuge, a place where I don't have to think about any of this, about these events that began midsummer.

My mind's been turning to out of town. One of the places I've been missing the most that would be perfect, I think, is Switzerland. When I went on a Voyageurs International band trip during the summer of 2008, Switzerland was my absolute favorite place among the tour. The people were so welcoming, the alcohol tasted good, Lake Geneva is beautiful (and apparently awesome to swim in), Montreux is a fun place to relax as well as shop, they have an epic statue of Freddie Mercury, watch Swiss folk dances, eat fondue, practice my French there, go to Zermatt and hike the Matterhorn, have a picnic by the pond, perhaps talk and cry on the shoulder of a stranger. Switzerland just seems like an awesome sanctuary and refuge. If only I could go.

Another thing I've been thinking of is the option of travelling abroad, especially now that I'm single. Particularly, to South Korea. I'm going to start taking Korean in the fall and will perhaps take the Intermediate Korean intensive during Summer 2011. I could travel to South Korea and practice it and make some foreign friends, do KPop dances without looking like a dork to the non-Korean-inclined public, try authentic Korean food. I think the idea has merit, anyhow.

I just wanna get away, get away from my problems for awhile. I worked so hard to make everything work. I knew what I wanted. I had what I wanted, what I cared about most. And it slipped through my fingers. And everything is slipping along with it without me even realizing it, without me even expecting it to. I expected to be depressed after a break-up, obviously, especially with the most important person in my life. But I never expected everything all the wonderful things I believed in to go along with it. Not that I planned on any of this happening but especially if this were to happen, I knew I wouldn't let this bring my being down. But whether this break-up caused it or not, I'm just messed up. And I've fought my own demons for so long. A break would be nice. All I really want right now is to tell all this to someone's face, to have them hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay, to tell me that I'm strong. I deserve that much. Right now, I'm sick of being told that I need to tell myself that. Ultimately it's up to me, but you can't do everything on your own. You need people whether you like it or not. But who? Who will care enough to do that for me? I hear no answers.

God, I don't even know how to feel about everything I just wrote. I just know it's how I feel and that right now, there's no one who I can tell this to face to face. So I just write it down, just letting whoever read it. Just keep me in your prayers and God, give me strength.

The green hills of Crans-Montana
The adorable beds from our room :)
Lake Geneva
Montreux's epic Freddie Mercury statue
My friend took this picture of me with the Matterhorn in the background.
Fondue partyyyyyyyyy
Demonstrating some Swiss folk dances
My friends acting silly after running back to the hotel in the rain.

Writer's Block: It's allergies ... really!

What was the last thing that made you cry?

The most amazing and yet most frustrating guy I've met in my entire life.

Or correction.

Writing about the most amazing and yet most frustrating guy I've met in my entire life.

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Let me tell you about this great love of mine. Or at least my side of it.

He and I were in 2-3 year relationships before we got together, both these relationships ending around November 2008 and with our partners breaking up with us. It was our first loves and so we were both very devastated. 

Out of comforting each other, we began to develop strong feelings for each other and got together in January 2009. However, it seems that although I was over the guy I had been with, I was still not fully healed. I was clingy and crazy, wanting what I had in my last relationship. And he was distant and it turns out he wasn't over that girl that he had been with. He poured his feelings into his guitar to the point of obsession, to the point where I was jealous of an inanimate object. So we broke up in March 2009. I worked on becoming more independent and at this point in my life, I think I would do well on my own without a significant other in my life, though I would like one, and I hope it would be him.

Despite the months apart, my feelings for him never died. I tried to forget about him, tried to move on. But in the end, I had to accept that I loved him even still. And I told him that, not knowing what his response would be. I remember him being incredibly thankful to know that someone loves him unconditionally and strongly. And after we both cleaned up a bit, after I got stronger and he got over that girl, we ended up getting back together in November 2009.

This time, our relationship was amazing and healthy. It is so hard to describe in words how amazing it was. We shared so many memories, so many interests and goals and dreams together. And I can say that every moment we've had together has been the most heartfelt, precious memories I'll carry in my heart. This guy with such amazing ideals, potential, goals, passions, loved someone like me with every inch of his heart, and still does at least to some extent. It was hard from November 2009 when we got back together and until June 2010, because I was away at school and we'd miss each other to the point of crying sometimes. But he'd visit me and I'd come down to visit him during free weekends or breaks and it felt so good to hold him and kiss him after each separation. We shared music, sung together, danced in our houses together, had heartfelt talks about life, shared our dreams and talked about the future we wanted together. He was grateful to have me in his life. He wanted to get married and we even picked a house. We wanted to start a business together, do musical projects and YouTube projects.

But that gratitude seemed to disappear in the summer of 2010 when we started spending everyday together. For the most part, it was blissful. To get to see each other every day and spend nearly every waking moment together was a blessing. But spending so much time together also made us fight. I got insecure about things he'd do; he'd call me out on it, once in awhile pointing out that whenever we had a problem "it was always about me." But a relationship takes two. And any problem we had was never going to be about just me.

Despite all the fighting, I knew that we were gonna make it through. I knew that I wanted to be with him and that we were right for each other. But he got tired, gave up, took me for granted, forgot about our love, and broke up with me July 29th, 2010. He didn't appreciate every moment like I had. Sure he was thankful for the memories and appreciated their existence, but he didn't factor that into our happiness at all. All he said, despite all my protesting, was "This relationship is over" and "The love changed" and "I need to find out what it means to a relationship by myself." I told him he was taking me for granted, that we could work it out, but no matter what I said, he wouldn't take any opinion but his own. He wouldn't take a chance on me. And his words tore into my being.

The problem with him is that he's so self-righteous. It is very hard for him to change because deep down he believes that it's okay to live his life this way. He's always planning but never doing, never putting his plans into action. And he hates that he just sits around like that but he doesn't change that either. Sometimes, it's a miracle that he even listens to me because he's so set on his beliefs that he doesn't even try to think any other way, even my way.

Another thing about him is that he's extremely philosophical. He thinks about things all the time. And he told me he thought about our relationship from day one. And I think that's why he broke up with me this time. He got lost trying to find the definition of a relationship instead of just doing one with me or trying to find out with me. He tries to do everything by himself. He doesn't realize he needs people. He can't do everything by himself. He simply just can't. I feel like he's like a spider getting caught in his own web. He starts a thought process but gets lost trying to find out the meaning. He overthinks to the point of confusion. He became too confused, too blind to see how wonderful our love was, how much more amazing it would become.

Sometimes, I think, "Who in the hell has broken up because one person overthinks???" I suppose people have broken up to find themselves, but seriously. I have never heard of anyone breaking up over this.

Two weeks after our break up was spent in despair. I did everything to distract myself from thinking of him. I cried all the time and when I wasn't crying, I wanted to. I felt like I reverted to a state of self-loathing. I was blaming myself for pushing him away, for not being amazing enough for him to hold onto. At night was the worst. There was nothing to distract me as I tried falling asleep. Thinking of him used to put me to sleep. Now it kept me up and drew tears. Sometimes, when I was trying to sleep, I could see him all too clearly lying next to me. I wanted the image to go away and I wanted to reach out and hold him despite knowing he wasn't there. It tortured me endlessly.

After spending time with friends and getting advice, I knew that if I wanted a mere friendship to stay alive, I'd have to be the first to talk to him, even though I really wanted him to talk to me first. And so I did and we saw each other the next day. He came over and gave me his acoustic guitar as a gift. He told me that he wanted to give it to me because it used to come between us. On the back of the guitar neck, he wrote my name next to a heart and on the side of the body, he wrote "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU." It moved me to tears and he held me while I tried (in futility) not to cry.

Later on, we went to his house and watched a movie. Sitting next to each other turned into holding each other which turned into hugging which turned into kissing. He told me he needed me in his life and he wanted to get back together. But I told him about all these flaws and how reluctant I am to get into a relationship with him with him in this state. If he continues living his life this way, he's digging his own grave and hurting himself and every relationship he has. If he cares at all about himself or me or anyone around him, he'll change. And he agreed. He told me I'm amazing and that he won't lose focus and that he will earn me back. We agreed he needs to learn to think simpler and not take me for granted and he needs to talk to people to help him better himself.

These days, I haven't been talking to him much. He needs to focus on himself by himself. But he hasn't been talking to people like we agreed on. So I'm worried that he's falling into his pattern again, giving up before he even starts. And I see him on YouTube always favoriting videos like he's used to. I'm afraid he's not taking this as seriously as he was at the beginning. Given I don't know what's going on with him since we haven't been talking too much, but I want to know what's going on with him. This is probably insecurity coming through again, but I sometimes wonder if what he told me was a lie or just a spur of the moment. It's honestly hard to trust him. My trust in him has turned from trusting him to trusting his heart but not his head to being hard to trust his heart because I can't trust his head.

We have all the time in the world. And I'm doing my best to be patient. But it's very hard on me sometimes. What happens to us depends mainly on him now. I'm not the one who decided to break up. I'm not the one who took us for granted. I'm not the one who stopped being thankful. I'm not trying to sound conceited or point fingers but his attitude is frustrating me. Love is a whole lot of pain and I'm definitely feeling it. He's hurting me because of himself. If he doesn't fix it, I don't know what I'm going to do. I want him to talk to me but he's so set on doing it by himself. If he fails or just gives up like he has in the past, I don't know what will happen to us.

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay independent and be with friends and be productive. In a way, I'm waiting for him but I refuse to do it the stupid puppy-waiting-by-the-door-for-its-owner-to-come-home way. I'm gonna do something while he works on himself.

I'm crying because of all this. Because I'm afraid, because I love him so much, because I want to be with him, because I don't know if he'll be strong enough for me. I just pray that he'll prove me wrong and tell me he did it and that we can be together and he'll never do this to me again.

God give me strength. Please let him succeed. Let us be together in the end.